some thoughts from an emotional mommy...

In between doing lots of thinking and praying the past few days, we have been very busy.  Evan's cousin Hailey has been visiting from Chicago for the past couple of days and we enjoyed spending some time with her.  I took Evan and Hailey to the zoo yesterday and they had a blast.  Evan loves his Hailey so much and it's so fun watching them interact. Here are just a couple glimpes of the two of them together.

In the middle of trying to choose joy each and every minue of the day, I yo-yo back and forth from contentment in knowing God is in control of bringing Zoe home in His perfect timing and sadness over all I am missing while wishing I had control over when my baby girl can come home.  And even in the moments when I am trusting in God's timing, I still am very emotionally fragile.  It truly is amazing to me how emotional this process has been (both the highs and the lows).  I was NEVER this emotional when I was pregnant with Evan- and I even had the hormones to blame it on then!  But I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has been teaching me and stretching me in more ways than I can count throughout this process.  It's been a good thing for a "control-freak" like myself to learn and deal with the fact that I CAN'T be in control AT ALL throughout this process.  I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO HIM.  And I'm choosing to be thankful that He's watching over and taking care of our baby even when we can't. 

 I sewed this shirt for Zoe last week and now I'm starting to wonder if it will even fit her when she comes home....  She looked so chubby in the picture we received Monday, and as happy as I am about her looking so healthy I wonder if a lot of the clothes I have ready for her will even be the right size.  But AGAIN I am reminded, GOD IS IN CONTROL. 

One of my favorite things about adoption is that there is such a close support group of friends you meet along the way.  We've met many of these people in person and I've also "met" many throughout the wonderful world of blogs, yahoo groups, Facebook and email.  One of my closest "adoption friends" and I were chatting this week and I was just overwhelmed with a sense of thankfulness that God has brought us together.  Although we've never met in person (hopefully soon Jana!) I feel like we've known each other for a long time!  It's amazing how much we can encourage each other and the comfort we each feel in knowing that there is someone who really gets what we're feeling.  I pointed her to a blog post that I came across this week.  It's been a HUGE source of encouragement to each of us and we have been reminding each other of this post throughout this week as we each have our tough moments. 

Yes, I want to be the one kissing and snuggling my sweet baby.  I want to be the one feeding my baby her bottles.  I want to be the one changing my baby's diaper. I want to be the one making sure that she stays healthy and safe.  I want to be the one watching her sleep peacefully.  I want to be the one she wakes up in the middle of the night (yes I know this feeling may change once she's home!).  I want to be the one soothing her as she sees doctors and gets poked and prodded.  I want to be the one watching and cheering her on as she does everything for the first time.   I want to be the one rocking her to sleep each night.  I want so badly to be doing these things for my baby now just as I have wanted to for the last 9 1/2 months.  But as hard as it is, I know that GOD DIDN'T CHOOSE ME FOR THOSE MOMENTS, HE CHOSE ME FOR THESE.   I entered motherhood to Zoe through a different door- with a different kind of stretch marks.  God knows that with each tear I cry over missing my sweet baby, I both grow closer to Him and to my sweet girl.  He knows that all too soon I will know what it's like to have her in my arms forever.  And only He knows when we will get to bring her home and introduce her to our amazing family and friends :)  And there is literally NOTHING a type-A, list-making, "Martha trying to be Mary" person like me can do but WAIT ON HIM and know He's got this one.  And I believe He is holding my sweet baby girl both now and for all the minutes, hours, days and weeks when I couldn't be.